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Archive for June, 2013

On Uncertainty

It’s been nearly a year since I posted anything. That’s probably Indicative of Something, whether it’s the distractions inherent to a relationship, the stress of working temporary jobs and looking for something permanent, the addictive and photocentric nature of Tumblr and any number of other things.

I live in London now. It hurt to say goodbye to Brighton, although it was probably time. It was a strange feeling, leaving my new flatmates behind, like moving out of my parents’ house for the first time and going off to uni. Relinquishing my comfortable and familiar home for a strange new place. It’s not so bad. I have a cosy house and a little garden to look after, and it is admittedly nice not to be woken up at 3am by seagulls.

It seems my life since I came back has been a constant tug between the desire for stability and a comfortable little sanctuary and the awareness that there is always something threatening it. The alienation of wage labour, capitalist consumerism, racist and classist immigration laws, burgeoning fascism and the question of what, if anything, I can do about these things. When I’m not railing against these problems I’m wondering how on earth I’m going to resolve them in a way that doesn’t sacrifice my integrity or lead to exile.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid there is no workable compromise between preserving my mental health and fighting for what I believe in. I’m afraid of returning to a country that takes two steps back for every step forward. I’m afraid that this country is irreversibly trudging towards fascist dystopia. I’m afraid that everything I’ve built, everything I’ve fought for over the last three years will be for nothing. I don’t know what to do. All I know is that my urge to escape, physically and mentally, will not save me from it. I wish I knew what would.

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